Welcome, young apprentice.
If you opened this guide, it means you looked at your life and thought:
“Fuck, this is really missing some responsibility.”
And that's great.
Trap life is not a lifestyle.
Trap life is a state of mind in which your decisions are made faster than your conscience can say “what the fuck are you doing?”
RULE NO. 1: NEVER HAVE A PLAN
Plans are for people who have a future.
You have Tuesday.
You wake up in the morning and you don't ask:
“What will I be doing in five years?”
You ask:
“Fuck, where's my phone?”
If you find your phone — success.
If you find your wallet too — best day ever.
RULE NO. 2: MARRIAGE? ONLY IF YOU LIKE EXTREME SPORTS
Real trap life requires complicating your life on a level a normal person can't even comprehend.
So if you have a wife, you absolutely cannot behave normally.
I'm not even talking about cheating.
You're supposed to live a double life, even though you can barely handle one.
Monday:
— Honey, I'm going to take out the trash.
Tuesday:
— Honey, why do you have three phones?
Wednesday:
— That's not my Lamborghini.
Thursday:
— THIS ISN'T EVEN MY HOUSE.
That's what trap life is.
RULE NO. 3: YOUR MONEY MUST LOOK MORE LOST THAN YOU
Having money isn't enough.
You have to make everyone who looks at it think:
“This man should absolutely not have access to the banking system.”
You buy a watch for 40 grand.
Not because it tells the time.
But because a 700 PLN phone also tells the time, and that would be a normal decision.
Normal decisions are the enemy of trap life.
RULE NO. 4: YOUR CAR MUST BE BIGGER THAN YOUR APARTMENT
If the car costs more than the apartment — good.
If the car payment costs more than your monthly food — great.
If you keep your groceries in the trunk because your apartment has no fridge —
WELCOME TO TRAP LIFE.
Most importantly, the car must have:
- rims bigger than your ambitions,
- tinted windows,
- bass that cracks the plaster,
- and a check engine light glowing like a Christmas tree.
RULE NO. 5: NEVER ANSWER “I DON'T KNOW”
Trap life doesn't know the words “I don't know.”
To every question, you answer:
“Relax, I've got a guy.”
— Do you have a doctor?
— I've got a guy.
— Do you have a plumber?
— I've got a guy.
— Can you fly a plane?
— I've got a guy.
— But do you even know this guy?
— No.
— THEN WHY THE FUCK DO YOU SAY YOU HAVE ONE?
— Because I've got his number.
RULE NO. 6: YOU NEED A MYSTERIOUS PHONE
Every trap must have at least two phones.
The first one:
📱 a normal one.
The second one:
📱 black as your decisions.
When someone asks:
“Why do you need a second phone?”
you answer:
“Work phone.”
Doesn't matter that you're unemployed.
It's a work phone.
It's used for very important business.
What kind?
Don't ask.
RULE NO. 7: CONNECTIONS
You must know:
- a DJ,
- a club owner,
- a mechanic,
- a car guy,
- a guy for “getting things done,”
- a guy nobody knows,
- and a guy who always says “relax, I'll handle it.”
The last one is the most important.
If something goes to shit, you call:
“Bro, remember me?”
— “No.”
“Exactly. Listen, I've got a problem.”
RULE NO. 8: THE PARTY CAN'T END NORMALLY
A normal person:
“Alright, it's two a.m., I'm going home.”
A trap:
“Alright, it's two a.m., let's drive to the other end of the country.”
Why?
Nobody knows.
At three:
“Fuck, why are we at a gas station?”
At four:
“Is this Czechia?”
At five:
“Has anyone seen Michał?”
At six:
“Which one of you has a driver's license?”
And then silence falls.
RULE NO. 9: YOU ALWAYS NEED A STORY
You can't just say:
“I was at a party yesterday.”
That's for amateurs.
You say:
“Dude, you won't believe what went down yesterday.”
And you take a fifteen-minute pause.
Because a good story begins with the fact that nobody knows whether its narrator made it home alive.
RULE NO. 10: MOST IMPORTANT — CONFIDENCE
You might have no money.
You might have no plan.
You might have no driver's license.
You might have no idea where you are.
But you will walk into the room like a man who owns the building.
If someone says:
“Hey, you can't come in here.”
You look him in the eye.
Adjust your jacket.
And say:
“I know.”
And you leave.
Because trap life isn't about having everything.
Trap life is acting like you have everything, even when you have 17 PLN in your account and you're behind on rent.
EPILOGUE
Years from now, you'll understand the most important thing.
Trap life isn't about money.
It isn't about the car.
It isn't about the parties.
It isn't even about how many times you've said:
“Fuck, I'll handle it.”
Trap life is about the fact that you never handle it, but somehow you're still functioning in the morning.
So remember:
Don't ask if it's a good idea.
Ask if it'll make a good story.
And if the answer is “yes”...
you're probably just starting the biggest mistake of your life.
WELCOME TO TRAP LIFE.